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About Deviant Artist Emma Flanagan20/Female/Ireland Recent Activity
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Dear You,

It’s not easy for me to admit this and it’s even more difficult considering you’re going out with Her and you clearly love her very much, and her you. I can say with full certainty that if I could get rid of how I feel towards you in a second I would because honesty how I’m feeling lately is really getting me down because I know I can never have you no matter how much I try or how many scenarios I make up in my head, they will never be true.You and I will never be together because you won’t ever feel the way I do and I know that and yet I still continue to keep these feelings inside and they’re ruining me.

Every night I struggle to sleep because I know that when I do go to sleep I will dream and that dream will be the same dream it has been for about 2 years now,maybe more. A dream with a scenario where we end up together and as unrealistic as I know it is, they still continue to happen because obviously a small part of me will always want that dream to one day come true, even if I know it won’t, ever.
So I avoid sleep, which doesn’t help either because for obvious reasons it’s unhealthy but for other reasons it leads to me sitting up all night thinking about you and wondering if you ever think about me which I know you don’t, at least not in the way I think about you.

When I’m happy I want to be with you, when I’m sad or confused I want you by my side, when I see something funny you’re the first person I think of to show, I think about you all of the time and it may sound obsessive and weird and like something that’s been pulled out of a Disney love story. But it’s the truth and I can’t help it. If I could stop thinking about you I would, trust me I would. You’re my first thought in the morning and my last at night before I go to sleep. And in all of the movies and TV shows I watch and all the books I read that’s what they call love right? Well if it is then I am eternally fucked aren’t I?? If there’s anything worse than liking someone who’ll never like you back it’s loving someone who’ll never like you back.
And I’m sure anyone would tell me it isn’t love and I’m making things up in my head and overthinking things and they’re probably right, but it still doesn’t stop how strongly I care about you and how I wish I had just one chance to make you realise how much I care.

I know you know I liked you, when I told you last year and you were so understanding and kind about it which really didn’t help my situation. Why couldn’t you be a dickhead for once in your life? Because maybe then I wouldn’t still feel the way I do....Who am I kidding I probably would still like you as much as I do now. You have no idea how horrible this is for me, especially those two days.Seeing you with her, holding hands, kissing her and hearing people talk about you both so fondly, it broke my heart, every moment I was around you both I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I just wanted to go home to my bed and cry into my pillow because my heart was breaking every moment I saw you both. When I saw how you looked at her. Wishing so fucking hard you’d look at me like that.
You have no idea how happy the small moments make me, dancing with you laughing with you, seeing you smile at me while we dance,your hugs that make me feel so secure, how you’re always so happy and I’m always so happy to see you and I love your family. You have no idea how happy I am that I met you, but also how sad I am that I can’t be what I would like it to be. I mean I’m incredibly happy to have you as my friend, I love that and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But I’m afraid a part of me will always want more and it’s torture, honestly.
A while back I thought I might have been over you, but I was just lying to myself, like I lie to everyone else about how I feel about you. I thought I’d gotten how I felt about you placed in the back of my mind where no one could find it. But one regrettable evening I got very drunk and told someone that I thought I was in love with you. I blamed it on the drink talking and me over exaggerating my feelings towards you. And ever since that next morning when they told me what I had told her the night prior, all I’ve been thinking about was my words. Did I subconsciously mean them? Do I love you? Probably not right? ….I hope so. Because You, if I’m in love with you then I might as well just shoot myself right now because it’s going nowhere.

I need to try and give up on you, not that I haven’t been trying. But it’s so difficult because I honestly believe I may feel this way for a very long time. Because You, whether it’s love or not, I will always feel however way I feel about you and I cannot help it. Trust me if I could I would have stopped feeling this way long ago. I would have pushed away the thoughts of even liking you when they first appeared years ago. But silly me, I thought they were nothing years ago.

Update: They weren’t, just in case you haven’t gotten the hint already.

But giving you up is a lot more difficult that I first thought, you’re in a different place and you’re with another girl and you’re living your own life and yet I still feel so strongly about you.

I miss you because you’re gone, I want to talk to you almost every day, I want to tell you how I feel and by fucking god I want you to feel the same. You being so far and being with someone else should make this easier on me right? Well, it doesn’t. And I know what they always say, you need to start liking someone else before you can get over someone fully. I’m sorry but I have tried, there’s been so many guys(not as bad as it sounds) that I’ve been interested in but none of them work out because I can’t get you off my mind no matter how much I may think I like these guys, you’re always in the back of my mind.

Every song reminds me of you, places remind me of you and everything reminds me of you. I can’t get you off of my fucking mind and it’s driving me crazy dude, honestly, it is.
I wish I actually had the courage to tell you this in person, but for obvious reasons I never will. Your girlfriend and the fact that I know you don’t feel the same are pretty big components to why I can’t ever tell you how I feel.

So I guess, for the duration of my feelings for you I’ll have to just deal with it, deal with you loving her and not me, no matter how much it crushes me, destroys me, but don’t worry about me being hurt, it’s not your fault it’s mine. You’re not hurting me on purpose, I know that and it’s important for you to know that I don’t think that, I don’t blame you for how I feel or how you feel. I never have and I never will. Honestly, in the end you’re happiness means the world to me, even if your happiness doesn’t include me. If you’re happy I’m happy. Even though I may not be right now, I will be, in time. Trust me.

So, it turns out I had a lot more to say that I first thought. It saddens me that you’ll never actually see this but it’s for the best. But I wish that you could. Maybe one day…or not.

So I’ll end it here,


A Letter To You
It started as a way for me to write how I felt as a way of getting over this guy, but then I decided to make it a piece of writing for this..because it's been so long since I've written on here.
Persuading a choice of two halves, the fight for a life of happiness and a day of the same.
Resentment towards ones you must love, with a strong hatred by it's side,
Extorting a decision, ignoring the emotional effects of decisions.
Sick to my stomach, so much that it's physically hurting.
Sore eyes from crying,
Unable to look at you feel that way.
Raging temper building, hidden behind thoughts pushing through,
Enraging a child who once saw you as everything and now disgusting.
This is probably the angriest thing I've ever written in my life, but it's about what's going on in my life right now where family members are forcing another to leave a place where they're at their happiest to come back for one day and she can't return to the place that makes her happiest and I'm super angry at how they're being. 
I forgot how soothing writing was..
I'm afraid to tell you pet, but just because you're feeling down doesn't mean the world is going to stop and help you. You have to get up.Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go out and get what you want, because in the end only you can make a good life for you.

No more moping around, no more spending the whole day in bed saddened by the fact that your life is going no where, it won't go if you don't. Stand up, be proud that you've come this far, I'm proud that you've gotten this far.And don't let anyone bring you down and anyone who does get rid of them, you don't need them.

Fight for what you believe in, even if others disagree, not everyone will be on your side. Accept that. Fight to make yourself the best you that you can be, because you're an amazing person.

Go to the gym and lose that belly that you hate so much, if you have the time to lie around, you have the time to go to the gym, or for a walk. You can do it.

If you have a dream, chase it, I believe in you and you can reach it. It'll take time but you'll get there.

You're going to have good days and bad days. Everyone does, but don't let a bad day confuse you, it's not a bad life, just a bad day. Take the bad experiences and learn from them, and adjust to make sure they don't re-occur. Once again, life won't go your way if you don't do anything about it. It's up to you not anyone else.

Smile as much as possible, it's scientifically proven that if you smile even when you're feeling down it makes you feel better :) Plus, it's contagious ;)  "Smiling has hormonal and physiological consequences which make us feel better and want to smile more. Smiling self medicates and heals."

“Laugh, and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone”

Trust me, you're doing great. :)  Keep going, I believe in you. You're important, you're smart and there are a lot of people who love you and believe in you.

I love you.

A message from myself.
I don't really know why I wrote this, but it's mostly for the days I'm feeling down so I can read it and perk myself back up again.
You take my breath away,
I'm here suffocating
with the reality that I'm falling faster than I had planned.
My chest is tight with the thoughts of being without you,
tighter when I think of you being with anyone else,
gasping for my final breath at the thought
that I'm slowly but surely giving all of me to you.
My Mind,
It's uncontrollable.
You're a hurricane in my life.
Taking every part of me with you as you go through.

I used to cry,
feel down,
but you've swept all of that away with every smile,kiss and hug that you've given me.
But my throat is filled with something,
a doubt,
a fear,
a darkness,
that I cannot swallow and I cannot breathe.
I don't know what it is,
but it's stopping me.

I'm holding onto all of me
by a loose thread and it's up to me to decide,
if I want to pass it over to you.
I've to decide whether or not to give you my heart.
Even though I think it's too late..

I'm scared,
terrified that you're going to break my heart just like he did.
You're going to leave me just like he did.
You're not going to care like I did.
I want to place all my trust in you but something is holding me back.
But I'd like to tell you now.

When I told you to leave, I wanted you to stay.
When I told you I didn't love anyone it was because I'm afraid to.
When you called me your girl,
I wanted to call you my guy but I couldn't find the words or the oxygen.
When you held my hand for the first time,
I wanted to tell you how I felt so safe beside you,
so secure, so happy.
How I never wanted you to let go of my hand because,
I never wanted a second of my life to go by without you by my side.
I wanted to tell you how you made me feel a way I never thought I could feel after him.
When you left I wanted to tell you to come back and to stay.
When I slept in my bed that night,
I've never missed someone more in my life.

I'm not good with expressing how I feel.

And I'm sorry.


RedRainX's Profile Picture
Emma Flanagan
My name's Emma, I'm 19 and I'm from Enniscrone in co.Sligo but I live in Galway!

So yeah, I hope you like my deviantart :) follow me on tumblr! ==> ivebeenthinkingaboutyoulately

Journal History

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melly4260 Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for the FAVE!!! :iconhightonight:
efawlsh16 Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you for the fave, it means the world and more to me. :hug:
YourBuddyBill Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday and stuff!
RedRainX Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012
Thanks :D
YourBuddyBill Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No prob.
b1gfan Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Student Writer
:wave: Hi Emma :D Just dropped in to read a life story :) Luckily I found you writing one :woot:
RedRainX Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2012
hello there :D ah well I'm glad you landed on mine! Ha! :) I hope you enjoy my life story haha! :) x
b1gfan Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2012  Student Writer
I love life. I love stories :) How could you miss :hug:
RedRainX Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2012
Haha :)
melly4260 Featured By Owner Jan 22, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
thank you for watchin'!!:iconawwwplz:
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